Thank you for the memories…

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After coming back from an amazing (mini) vacation it is so hard to accept the reality as is. Even harder to face it. I didn’t intend to
write about this here but since I am not a robot I can not resist it and maybe this is the place where I can relive (somehow) my feelings now. It is a diary after all…

If you remember my previous post from a week or two ago you would know that I was dealing with very difficult times. My God-Mother experienced a desegregation in her health conditions. She was fighting cancer for the past 5 years and we all had hoped that one day she could be cured. After we came back from vacation my mom told me that it’s just a matter of time now… I didn’t accept this reality – I saw her 3 months ago in good condition. I talked to her, everything seems to be under control.

It was eating me for the entire week. I couldn’t hide it. I was trying to find something different to think about, write about it here but this was just not who I am. Hiding my feeling is not my strong side. I felt it in my body. And as professional as I am in my job my positive energy that I am trying to create in the classes was lower than usual. I was just holding onto the fear on picking up each phone call.

My family experience a terrible loss this week. My aunt didn’t survive this battle. I can’t tell you how painful it feels…

I will keep in my heart all the beautiful memories. She had the most astonishing smile in the world. Always elegant, sophisticated, often with a hat, petite woman. Talented musician who played on the piano to accompany any family gatherings. She was the only one who called me by my full name.

Do you have those moments after a hard day when you are standing in the shower hoping the water will wash all your worries away? Like nothing happened,,,I am finding myself taking long long hot showers every night now…

I was going over my “daily meditation” book (“Journey to the
Heart” by Medoldy Beattie) to clear my mind before I fall asleep. Ironically on the Oct.4th I read:

We may search for miracles that change our situation so we don’t have
to deal with the loss or feel the pain (…) If the situation is too
difficult, the loss to painful to accept in one leap, take smaller
steps. (…)
Let the simple, quite, daily miracle of acceptance find you…

I hope my family and I can find acceptance of what just happened and keep all the beautiful memories in our hearts.

This song reminds me about you. Your didn’t have a chance to open the email that I sent but I know you would enjoy it.

Izabela

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